Republican senator Rand Paul demonstrated what amounts to superhuman physical prowess in a bar-room brawl yesterday evening, according to witnesses. An astonished Christian Freightman saw the whole event.
“Mr Paul really gave it to 'em. I mean, he's monstrous cool,” said Freightman. “He smashed a chair over one of the big ones. Then, he cut one of 'em with a knife, maced another and beat three of 'em stupid. He really did beat 'em stupid.”
Three of Mr. Paul's combatants required hospitalization, with one in serious and another in critical condition. Their internal injuries continue to concern doctors.
“I'd a never thought he had it in him,” said Mariam Heavenpaper. “He just up and smashed almost three of 'em by hisself. The other three gave him a harder time, but in the end it was all just...nothin'. Just nothin' to ihm.”
Apparently, Mr. Paul became embroiled in some kind of argument involving government budget issues and “personal responsibility” concerning private finances and individuality. Mr. Paul somehow discovered that the six were advocates of Social Security, SNAP and Medicare. One witness who wishes to remain anonymous said that Mr. Paul had a “novel” idea: pounding some sense of individualism into them. His fists kindred to his Ayn Rand-like philosophy, Mr. Paul remained philosophical in his description of the event.
“I didn't go in there looking for a fight, but I gave it to them. Maybe they'll think again about taking money from our hardworking, far-seeing billionaire entrepreneurs. I hope others will follow my lead on this. We gotta get tough and take back our country from the special interests.”
It is not immediately clear precisely what special interests Mr. Paul meant, but when asked if any of his thoughts or actions contradicted his role as a medical professional, Paul was clear and quick to respond.
“When someone came for treatment, I was there. As long as they pay. When they step outside my office, they're on their own. When they step out of line, they ought to get what's coming. I'm tired of deadbeats and panhandlers. I've just had it. I got mine, now these people can go get theirs. If they can't, then I say we make mulch out of 'em.”
In fact, there is suspicion that one of Paul's combatants used to be a patient of his, but the truth of that assertion has not yet been verified. Mr. Paul described his state of mind, such as it is.
“I was thinking of that old Kenny Rogers song, you know? 'Coward of the County'? I wasn't holding nothing back. I let 'em have it all,” Paul said with a smile.
Mr. Paul is reported to have said “Here's your subsidy, right here.” as he pummeled the face of one of his interlocutors. He is also reported to have said “Is that your Cadillac out front?” and “Entitlement program? Entitlement program? This is what you're entitled to, you rat-shit bitch.” as well as “If you don't have any money, you deserve nothing. Period. Understand me?” It is uncertain when precisely he uttered each remark, but Mr. Freightman believes the entitlement program comment came with the knife.
“These people need to learn. They're probably the same kind that took advantage of Obamacare,” Paul added. “There's nothing more evil or anti-Christian than taking care of the sick, dying and those who cannot tend to themselves. Good Lord, where's Paul Ryan to help with this when you need him,” said the Presbyterian church-goer. “And if we continue to hand out healthcare and food to any little punk-ass bitch, we'll be feeding the whole world or something.”
Paul, with his soft, delicate arms, middle-aged pouch and boyish though grey curly locks, is practically a stranger to physical altercations, and yet he polished these six off with such incredible ease that some suspect steroid use by the Kentucky senator, or some other performance-enhancing stimulant.
“No drug was required on my part,” Paul contended. “I was like an avenger. Someone needs to stand up against these wealth-haters and capital losers. They have no money; they need to go. Once I had that in mind, the rest was easy. Like southern-fried Jesus. The holy spirit was in my fist, let me tell you.”
Hospitalized are Maureen Joseph, 64; Betti Greenfield, 72 and Margaret Hattengritter, 68. Three combatants who escaped with minor cuts and contusions are Molly Holden, 72; Cathy Orchespepper, 56 and Susan Herpant, 76.
“I'd like to think that once we remove all social programs, endangered species laws and environmental protections we'll have a better class of people in this country, but right now I gotta say I'm far from convinced. I don't know that these people will ever learn,” Paul added.