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Paul Ryan calls Emergency Press Conference

In an unusual step on Capitol Hill House Speaker Paul Ryan called an emergency press conference in order to set the record straight about social programs he wishes to “make smarter", as well as recent comments by the presidential tweeter.

“Let's be clear, now. Donald Trump is now president and we must start believing what he says, no matter how moronic or outrageously ignorant and destructively irresponsible are the claims about the Obama administration. And let's make another thing perfectly clear. I am not attempting to eliminate healthcare for millions of Americans or hand over elderly Americans' financial safety to predatory businessmen because of some personal interaction between Barack Obama and myself,” the speaker angrily asserted.

“I am not destroying social programs that keep people alive because of some malignant need to smash everything virtuous about our great fore-fathered democracy-land. Nor am I implementing anti- democratic measures in order to remain in power forever and do violence to everyone's standard of living, except me and my masters.”

The reference to president Obama that Mr. Ryan makes is apparently to a speech on the deficit where then President Obama eviscerated GOP plans to give control of all good things government can do to financial predators and wealthy sociopaths. The April 2011 speech at The George Washington university argued that there were flaws in Ryan's plan. Unexpectedly, Mr. Ryan was in attendance. The Speaker later claimed that the speech “poisoned the well” and now he seems to be claiming that the affects of such poison do not linger in his system.

“I'm not going to be affected by these changes, so it doesn't really matter to me. That's first,” the Speaker angrily asserted as he smashed his fist on the podium. “I'm eliminating these programs because imbeciles, morons and politically apathetic dredges need a leader. They need to know that there is a party and a place for them. They need to know that there is a simple- minded solution to social and cultural issues of enormous complexity that take on a life of their own. They need to know that they have friends in government that think as they do.”

The reference appears to be to the notion of Objectivism as expressed in the works of Russian-American writer Ayn Rand during one of her less-than-happy days. Objectivism claims science as a significant part of its understanding of the physical universe, but more significantly it claims social, cultural and artistic apathy coupled with fiscal and environmental rape as part of its notion of individuality and happiness.

“We need to do as little as possible to protect the safety of and nurture our sick, disabled and elderly citizens,” Ryan continued. “If there is someone out there who needs your help, tell them to get off their ass. If they have no legs, tell them to go out and buy some. Jesus.”

A reporter from the Daily Slogg asked the Speaker how he could condone leaving persons to lose everything, to starve or to die on a cold beach at night. Perhaps even in their homes which are soon to be foreclosed.

“Again,” said Speaker Ryan. “It's got nothing to do with me. I'm only the Speaker of the House. It's not my problem and I think my constituents would agree with me. I'll tell you what. Give me one example where social security or medicare or medicaid actually helped anyone. Just one.”

When one reporter pointed to the example of a widowed nurse, Rose Kirkbride of Lakewood Ohio, who would have lost her home had she not been a social security recipient, Ryan's response was quick and reflexive.

“It's very simple and fun too. The only way to help someone is to leave them completely free to do with their life what they choose. If that be a slow, lingering death for some disabled slob or underprivileged minority because they cannot afford healthcare or because they 'lost' their ability to earn enough to keep their home, then so be it. It's their problem, not mine.”

When the reporter pointed out that Rose had been abandoned by her husband, that she did not earn much money at all and that her social and financial situation was almost completely beyond her own control, Speaker Ryan was again quick and reflexive in his response.

“I'm dedicated to a philosophy of apathy and stupidity now moreso than ever with the election of president Trump. Dim-witted pinheads, ignorant foolish and stupid people and politically unconscious slugs and sociopaths need a philosophy too. They need people to look up to in order to say 'here is a philosopher or leader that I can understand and believe in.'”

© 2014 by Kirk A. Shellko a.k.a. Lucian Whyte